This isn't something I would normally post publicly, but today I'm breaking my own rule.
For those close to me, you've watched me, and now us, do battle with the kids father, and as a result my biological family, for the last 3 years.
In the midst of the storm we are attempting to provide a stable and loving home, and despite our different approaches in parenting. Its an effort that they haven't made easy for us. In fact, my father is the only one who has shown any truly concerted effort on that front, a small thing, but I appreciate it.
Recently he accused me of not caring about the children because I wouldn't arbitrarily pay for an optional, cosmetic, medical 'thing' for one of our kids. He didn't ask, he dictated the amount, via a text message, and then publicly and privately berated me for being a bad parent when I didn't happily jump on board with his plan. The accusations were so ridiculous that I, yet again, didn't dignify them with a response.
The truth is that I rarely give them the power to hurt me any longer. But what I struggle with now is HOW to address this. People say to me things like "ignore them", "by acknowledging it you give them the satisfaction they were looking for", "look the other way" and "they can only hurt you if you let them". The question I have is this:
How?
My lack of response to his vilification of me has manifested itself in yet another round from him and my biological family of passive aggressive behaviour that has, this time, hurt my children. This Mother's Day, my family and ex (all of whom were well aware that we were traveling and that the kids were on their own) chose to celebrate to the exclusion of my children. Four wonderful kids, who never asked for any of this, spent Mother's Day home alone. No one called them. No one said "Hey guys, what are you doing today? Why don't you come spend Mother's Day with your Grandmother?"
How do I ignore actions that hurt not just me but are aimed at the kids? They can say that it's not, but when your ex spends Mother's Day with your mom, knows you're traveling, but deliberately excludes your--HIS--children, HOW do you ignore that? How do you love in spite of behaviour that is intended to hurt and provoke? How do you forgive this?
In our home, the one that Kyle and I share, are four wonderfully happy children, with a full fridge and a plethora of family by choice who will stand for them in the event that we cannot. They are all enrolled in lessons, and sports, and our oldest now is working at her very first part time job. They're good, smart, loving kids. They are so blessed to have not one, but two men who love and care for them. Be filled with joy and gratitude for this!
The only thing I can think to say is this:
Which is the real issue, isn't it?
They say the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.
Kyle and I have created a wonderful love filled, rule filled, beautiful home for the children. They are expressions of that daily. And I'm grateful that my Ex is my Ex, because without him there would not have been them, and I would not have the incredible, beautiful life I have today.
If there were every anything that I wish would be heard it is this:
I'm a good mom. Kyle is a great dad. We're not perfect but we're doing the best we can. And, you all, have the opportunity to be a great and positive influence in the lives of the kids too. Focus the positive on them, not the negative. They're allowed to love more than one person, remember that. Hurt me all you want. But DO NOT do anything like this to them again. EVER.
Any worry you have of losing them, is of your own accord and action.
