Diabolical Happiness

Well I guess lately this isn't as true as it was 6 months ago, but since I started sharing my story, it's been amazing the love, encouragement and support I've had. Thank you everyone who reads my random squirrel based thoughts and champions me to continue.

A girlfriend sent me a message privately on Facebook today and asked me "how are you so happy?" the context of which was in conjunction with some of the stuff that I haven't shared and likely won't share at this point. But she's aware of it and asked me, how I handle it. One word:

CHOICE

Many people would have cowered in a closet hiding their pain. I did that. That is how this all began. Many people would have gone to counseling to deal with it. I did that. That is how I came to today. Many people would have talked to 'someone' about their problem, issue or concern. I did that. That is how I write every day.

The journey at the end of a relationship is a brutal one. You need people around you more than ever to tell you that you aren't crazier than the rest of the world, to assure you that you aren't broken and that yes, life WILL go on again. To face it as a parent is one of the most frightening things you can do.

You learn awful lessons about lines in the sand, and taking sides. You feel so damn alone you think you might be the only human to know the void, and horrible failure you are battling within. You learn that you will do anything for your kids and will see sides of the person you lived with that you never knew existed.

It's a messy awful vortex of hell that you will, even with the best of intentions, get sucked into. Some have bigger emotional tornado's than others, but conflict cyclones will suck at you and try and destroy you. You'll fight back. You'll want revenge.

The thing about these storms is that they pass.

On my journey post divorce, I read a LOT of really great books, unfortunately I read a lot of really awful ones too. One of which used this quote, by Marilyn Monroe, to empower women:

“A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.” 

Instantly threw the book out and refused to look at it again. I knew in an moment I didn't care what it took, I wasn't going to become that angry cynical chick who was 'strong and empowered'. Being shut down isn't empowered. It's lonely.

Vulnerability is empowerment. Trust is empowerment. Laughter and love are empowerment. I think life is so much more than protecting myself from hurt. People hurt each other. It's called being human. Sometimes I get it right, other times I don't but at the end of the day I'm a pretty happy human. So instead of being a 'wise girl' by Marilyn's definition. I'm being wise by mine. Let them hurt me, criticize me, hell let them throw stones. I still choose happy. I didn't always, but I do now. 

Happy also happens to be an epic form of revenge and I'm diabolical that way!