When a couple stop being a couple the team has failed. But the players are often unsure what to do, especially the kids.
As a parent you try and find information on how to survive. How to not totally screw your kids up. How to not fight with someone who constantly picks a fight with you. How to co-parent in an uncooperative forum. How to heal you. How to heal your kids. How to date again. And it is defeating and depressing. Seriously.
You see "funny" e-cards, and meme's about the psycho ex, the psycho step parent, the psycho in laws, the psycho psycho's. They aren't funny...mostly. Some kinda are--or at least crazy relatable. Those are the ones you share between friends, but not with your kids.
My kids have heard some pretty negative things about me, about their 'other/step' dad, us as parents, the divorce, and they've heard things that haven't let them be children. I'm not blameless in this. I'm imperfect as a human and parent, and won't ever stop owning that.
When kids can't be kids that's unfair to them. As parents try and 'befriend' their kids or 'share' their own feelings, they rob their kids of childhood, they burden small humans with grown up problems that aren't theirs to carry. The legal term is Parental Alienation, and it is a VERY real thing. Sometimes its overt, but more often than not it is small, well placed, damaging comments.
Sure you got to 'say' your piece. Maybe you did tell the truth. And you got the satisfaction of getting to slam the dad or mom or step parent or grand parent who wronged you. For that whole minute and a half you get to be smug and sanctimonious and pat yourself on the back. I've been there. Reasonable humans feel pretty small and slimy afterward. It is damn humbling to go back and ask your kids forgiveness, while recognizing you've just taken something from them you can't give back.
So to those who feel that its acceptable to confide in their kids, to tell them things in the name of truth, honesty or otherwise, I ask you this: WHEN has a child ever been better for hearing your truth? When have the words 'your mother/father abandoned us'? Or 'Your mother/father/grandmother/etc is a bad parent.'? Who do these statements serve? Not the kids.
When Kyle and I began dating I made sure that I kept reassuring the kids that their dad is their dad and that wouldn't change. The reassurance cycle sometimes is exhausting. Sometimes I had to send myself to my room because I was angry or frustrated, but I worked hard to make sure they knew that their dad is, and will continue to be their dad. Sometimes I screwed this up but I work VERY hard at this.
Their 'Step'dad loves them completely. And we do reassure them of how blessed they are to have THREE parents who love them.
Despite it being nearly 6 years since the initial separation, there are times when our youngest two still ask me, things like "do you hate dad?" or "why does dad hate you?" I can't speak for him or how he answers if they are posing similar questions to him, but I always ache when these conversations come up. In all likelihood these questions aren't even borne of something their father has said to them. More likely than not, these phrases or words are not being spoken to them by their father.
This has taken me a long time to learn.
I believe that these statements from the kids are borne out of their need for reassurance that they are loved completely. Every facet of who they are with no qualifications. When asked things like this I work really hard to answer concisely and without qualification. "No, I do not hate your dad. I couldn't hate him, you are part of him, and I love all of you." or "Dad doesn't hate me. Sometimes grown ups get angry with each other, but angry or frustrated isn't hate. You are part of me, and you know dad could never hate any part of you."
To pretend I had this answer from the onset and am supermom would be duplicitous. It took a lot of reading, counseling, and working out BEFORE hand how I would address issues like these. Preparing to handle the hard things has made the rest of our world easier to handle.
Sometimes I don't have an answer and as such, I say so. I let the kids know I need time to think about an answer so that they get a real answer. They're pretty good with responses like that.
Just like having a talk about Sex with your kids, you can't go in unprepared, and you can't be age inappropriate.
Yet societally we allow adults to share VERY adult things with children and don't show the same outrage we would if, for example, a parent showed an explicit film to a 7 year old in the name of sexual education. How is disparaging a parent less damaging or less inappropriate?
We need to love our kids more than our need to be right. We need to become a society who chooses to let children have their childhoods.
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