Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Why Me?

I've spent so very much time asking this question both specifically and very generally. 

Why me? Why this? WHYYYYYY???

Unlike Oprah I don't pray for patience, or growth, or other things like that. Generally I don't pray. I ask/converse with universe and mostly it's something along the lines of "REALLY??? C'mon! I don't WANT another lesson!" Followed by a good solid pout. I like to pout, I'm a substantially cuter pouter than crier, it's my preferntial self-flagellation method. 

Over the last 7 months I've perfected the pout AND dealing with my shit. By perfected I mean I'm a rock star pouter, dealing is a slow-going, completely resisted process but ima trying.

Fascinating to me is the incredible, growing list of people who are experiencing what I have in varying degrees and in different places on their journey. 

Twelve years ago I went on a missions trip to Bolivia with Leadership Ministries. I still maintain that everything I brought to that trip lacked a certain amount of "value", but I know I was meant to be there.  That trip taught me all about me. It forced me to spend time with someone I did NOT respect or even like very much. And it forced me to learn to care about that person. Bolivia taught me more than I could ever have taught it. It forced me to look long and hard at me, my life, and to make changes even if they weren't popular with others. 

I'm finding this same process has been similar. I haven't liked it. Not one bit. It's irritating. It's all consuming. It's hard. It makes me look at me. Makes me have to face my humanness. It forces me to admit I'm not perfect but broken and hurting and terrified. I've lacked confidence and the panache I normally try to embody. It's robbed me of fearlessness and sociability and energy and laughter 

It HAS NOT broken my spirit though. It HAS NOT defeated me. It's HAS grown my love for my family and obliterated my tolerance for the superficial, lies and bullshit. It's softened my heart and built compassion I lacked before. It's shown me the difference between anger and righteous anger. It's shown me who I want to be, and how I'm getting there. 

But it has never truly answered the question "why?" --and ironically, I don't feel that the things listed above are the reason. 

Yesterday I was able to sit down with a friend whom I've stayed in touch with via social media for years. We haven't seen each other in a very long time. But she's starting the process I'm primarily through (pending the judgement that we're waiting on) and I was able to walk her through how big a mountain it is, the equipment required to climb it, and the reality of the challenges along with some of the spectacular views. 

I said something to her that I've only ever said once before with true sincerity. Immediately following the Chambers hearing, I was able to honestly say, with fundamental belief inside of me:

I am a good mom 

I said those words again yesterday. And I believed them. After years of hearing--particularly from my own parents--what a 'great' dad my ex is, but never hearing that I too am a good parent, has damaged me profoundly. To find that truth on my own, even after hearing it from others around me for a long time, made it my truth. 

Why me? So that I could learn that I am a good mom. 

Why me? So that I can walk beside other men and women who need to learn that they are good moms or dads. 

I also learned yesterday that when it comes to this particlar subject, I'm well versed. I am smart and I can help others. What that exactly means, I'm not sure at the moment. But it was a revelation I needed. I can help. I am valuable. I am smart.--I feel like these are lessons and truths I should have known long ago but that is why we are all unique, experiencing life with our own perspective. 

For today--whatever that mailbox holds, if anything--I am a good mom. 

Before she lost her mind, Miley Cyrus actually sang a pretty profound song. Here it is with the words--be encouraged friends, we're all on that mountain.

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