Seek treasures amid ruins...

Today I put this picture up on Facebook, because in the clouds of what I've been journeying through lately, came light. 

That light is me. My heart, my determination, my flat out refusal to let unethical choices that others make. The love and support of my family and those moments when I have a little one who is 'so happy mum is working from home'.

Sometimes the universe sends us the messages we need, right now in THIS place, where we are.

It doesn't send the answers, it doesn't make things clear. It just comforts in the place where we are and knows that the truth within is real. It gives strength in uncertainty. 

It is showing me the beauty of seeking treasures amid ruins...and how to fight back...

“Within tears, find hidden laughter
Seek treasures amid ruins, sincere one. ”
~Rumi

Unsettled

I kind of feel like this today. 

A little like I'm losing my mind...and my faith in myself is wavering.  Part of me is aching to just walk up to opportunity...and I guess in some ways I am doing exactly that. 

But I also waffle between absolute confidence in 'the plan' and wanting to push everything forward faster and faster. The funny thing, is in the middle of all of this I have peace in the decisions that have been made, in spite of me.

I know deep down that doors are being opened for me by this glorious universe, but remembering that while balancing my fears isn't as easy as it seems. So I go between confident and desperate need to control my future. 

I've got a terrible suspicion that my world is about to become infinitely more balanced, and busy at the same time, so I know that I should enjoy this time before the storm hits.  

A little help from you, my friends....

So yesterday after a conversation with my dear friend, big brother, and long standing accountability and business partner, Ray, I realized I need to start something.

For those that read my blog, know that I've been on a journey to get healthy over the last 4 years. Physically, mentally, financially, internally.

The physical is coming along, and say it separately from internally as I look at them as separate. I can work out and eat like crap and it won't help me. I can eat beyond healthy, but not be fit, hence the term 'skinny-fat'. So instead, I personally have to address them separately. 

Mentally has been a journey with both counselors through out the year as well as with a life coach. Right now, because I'm in an emotionally fabulous place I feel like it is even more imperative that I see someone to help me find my voice and my strength.

So financially, this is a tough one for so many. And this is the feedback I'm looking for. 3 years ago when I found myself alone as a single mom, the entire financial world for my four beautiful babies and I depended on me. Fast forward 3 years and I'm no longer alone in this, but I still worry like I am.

And my actions are those of a single scared mom. I make bad decisions, yet part of my career skill set is being an associate in the financial services industry. Ironic, right? Wrong, I'm human. I needed to learn about the financial world, and as a result I began helping other families experiencing the uncertainty that I was. 

Today, I'm trying to learn how to balance that knowledge of not being alone, with my own action of scaredy mom. This last week we've taken steps toward that, and even at this moment I'm supposed to be working on our monthly budget of set costs. But I think the journey might be helpful to others. 

So if anyone thinks I should do this, please let me know! I'm a work in progress!!!

Housewife???

I'm not sure if I'm happy. I'm not a wife. Yet the last two weeks-ish have been kind of awesome. I've been staying at home being a mom and housewife for all intents and purposes.

I've been taking time for me, making sure my house gets cleaned, reorganized, and overall just made better.

The kids are a challenge, but all in all, I'm enjoying this work from home, stay at home mom thing. I like not being that the mercy of a time clock, or being an over paid receptionist. I'm still not sure how I went from being an actual Business Manager (a Chief Operating Officer, without being an officer of the corporation), to being a coffee fetching, note taking, filing maintaining receptionist. Actually I DO know how it happened, and it is actually a legal issue that isn't resolved so that is a story for another time and place.

It would be a lie to say that I don't miss the structure of going to the office everyday, I do.  And I miss the office that I designed, contracted and watched grow into a lovely bright white space. But I don't miss the games, the high school behaviour or the nonsense. I have teenagers, I get that at home, thank you very much!

So on this new adventure of mine, while I figure out what I want to be when I grow up (again a story for a later time), I am enjoying the time with my kids who are growing too fast. Time with Kyle who I find has become intrinsically part of me, he just gets me, and who is enjoying the wonders of having a 'housewife' to take care of him.

And secretly, even though I don't have the answers, I'm learning that its ok. Part of me wonders if the universe is just dealing with my control issues, and teaching me to trust and love and KNOW I'll be caught, because I CAN trust.

Until then I'll be a bit of a mess, and try and figure out how this work from home thing goes (I can't work in disaster, so I'm becoming a "throw it out and deal with it like that" person, which can't be bad, right?

The fear I face....

I'm terrified of not being ok, every single day.

Part of the journey Celeste has me on is to make myself more vulnerable, less protected. I'm not sure how to do that, other than to write and see what the universe throws at me.

Over the course of my life perfection was what I strived for. What was expected. Failure is what I experienced, in fact I know how to celebrate my failures but struggle to celebrate triumph, as it is rarely good enough. Sometimes I wish I could just celebrate "wooo hoooo I woke up today!"

I've often mused that I don't play well with other kids. Sometimes what seems so simple to me, really isn't so instead of engaging in drama and messiness of conflict, I bow out. Most times fairly gracefully but I still bow out. Usually after getting in at least one parting shot, but I find confrontation terrifying.

I think I'm really afraid of being wrong, what if i went through all that agony and then wasn't right?!?

The thought just horrifies me. So instead I try and walk away. I hope people will do the right thing, and more often than not they sure do NOT do the right thing. So I chalk it up to experience, and hope that the next time I will do better.

At the urging of a good friend I'm reading "The Monk who Sold his Ferrari". I highly recommend it. Not much in it has been new, so much as an affirmation of what I've always known. Think positively, and things will happen for you.

The problem is that my fear takes over and I hear a voice telling me from deep deep down that I don't deserve it. So I fight that thought, that feeling, that dream I know to be true and possible.

In so many ways I don't know how to NOT strive to be perfect. How to fall apart and lean on others. So over the next while I'll be working through this, trying to figure out how to not hear the voices of others that have impacted me for so much of my past.

Not sinking...

This image keeps showing up in all my social media feeds lately. I believe the universe is may be telling me something about myself.

After my separation 4 years ago, I spent a year seeing a much needed counselor who, I now realize, mothered me when I most needed that unconditional love that I so deeply crave. Sharon is one of very few humans on this planet who I know sincerely and intentionally prayed for me, and for my children, by name. She didn't 'fix' things, or pretend that she could. But she listened and loved me. It was a strange situation for me, as Sharon had known me my whole entire life. She and her husband were some of the first people who met my mother when she arrived in Canada in 1971. They were some of the first people to visit me in the hospital when I was born, even before my grandmother, who was stuck in New York addressing the UN on children's and women's rights in India. This is one of the stories that shape my life, my being 3 weeks late so my granny missed my birth.

She knew much of my 'story', maybe better than I did. And instead of telling me about me and what was wrong, she showed me that unconditional love exists. She along with many have carried and shaped me.

Last week I went to a life coach, and one hour with her did more for me and stripping bare my soul than a year of counseling did for me. I don't want to diminish my time with Sharon. It was critical and exactly right for me then. I wasn't ready to open myself up at that time to more vulnerability.

But I am now.

In the first 10 minutes of our session Celeste saw me. No judgement. No dislike. She saw me for who I was and embraced me right where I was.

I've been 'told' all my life that I'm not good enough. So I strive for perfection. I'm now on a journey to be real and part of that is to open up myself to being imperfect.

My imperfection began before I was born, one of the first stories that shaped me was that I'm always late, starting with being 3 weeks late. As such as an adult I'm horrifyingly punctual if not early. I over compensate.

So over the next while I am going to continue with Celeste, and work to take down some of my walls, to trust the world to love me for who I am, to love me within my boundaries, and I'm going to trust my readers to see me.

For real. Holy crap this is scary!

...truth...

I'm struggling today. Someone I trusted, relied on, and believed in let me down. And even though it is a professional relationship, I find myself feeling sad.

Trust is a fickle and funny thing. Once it is broken it is so near to impossible to regain. The same with respect.

So I'm sad today. I'm pretty sure I've lost a friend, colleague and confidante, all because someone couldn't do the right thing.

Famous Failures

George Takei posted this picture this morning.

Talk about a reality check! It came on the heels of some stuff and nonsense for me this morning. The funny thing is that I know I haven't failed. Things change. Life changes. That is how it goes.

I keep having to remind myself that even in the GOOD cycle of life the phrase "and this too shall pass" is probably even more important to remember than in the bad phases.

Every day I believe more and more that life is giving me an opportunity to live my dreams right now. I'm so content for the most part with where things are going in my world. But I'm also ready for the next thing.

Under the Big Top...

Sometimes your the clown, sometimes you're the ringmaster....

Usually in my world I'm the ringmaster, I have control issues so it works.

Lately I've felt like the clown, and that is a feeling that is hard to reconcile. First of all, clowns are freaky and even though there is an association with much of the time they're creepy and terrifying (do a google search of clowns...that sh*t is messed up!) but secondly, my experience with clowns (in circuses I've seen) is they were well intentioned but taken advantage of or teased by peers.

I WANT to be the ringmaster damn it...but as with things in life, a series of circumstances and people aren't allowing that to take place. So I'm trying to be patient...and I'm trying to deal with the indecision all the while  I feel caught under the big top...

Alchemy of Great Work!

Yesterday my friend, Amanda, commented on my blog with the link to this video.

If you are struggling with your profession, direction or what you want to be when you grow up, then watch this. It is the most awesome 3:16 min of video I've seen in awhile...being a media girl, that's saying something!

Brilliantly encouraging and wonderfully put together THIS is exactly what I've been missing in my life lately. It is much of the missing piece, and in so many ways, permission to do what I need to do next. Taking those steps are big, knowing others in the universe are going through it too helps. A whole big LOT!

And I got called FIERCE yesterday...I like that...fierce is going to carry me through!