Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Not sinking...

This image keeps showing up in all my social media feeds lately. I believe the universe is may be telling me something about myself.

After my separation 4 years ago, I spent a year seeing a much needed counselor who, I now realize, mothered me when I most needed that unconditional love that I so deeply crave. Sharon is one of very few humans on this planet who I know sincerely and intentionally prayed for me, and for my children, by name. She didn't 'fix' things, or pretend that she could. But she listened and loved me. It was a strange situation for me, as Sharon had known me my whole entire life. She and her husband were some of the first people who met my mother when she arrived in Canada in 1971. They were some of the first people to visit me in the hospital when I was born, even before my grandmother, who was stuck in New York addressing the UN on children's and women's rights in India. This is one of the stories that shape my life, my being 3 weeks late so my granny missed my birth.

She knew much of my 'story', maybe better than I did. And instead of telling me about me and what was wrong, she showed me that unconditional love exists. She along with many have carried and shaped me.

Last week I went to a life coach, and one hour with her did more for me and stripping bare my soul than a year of counseling did for me. I don't want to diminish my time with Sharon. It was critical and exactly right for me then. I wasn't ready to open myself up at that time to more vulnerability.

But I am now.

In the first 10 minutes of our session Celeste saw me. No judgement. No dislike. She saw me for who I was and embraced me right where I was.

I've been 'told' all my life that I'm not good enough. So I strive for perfection. I'm now on a journey to be real and part of that is to open up myself to being imperfect.

My imperfection began before I was born, one of the first stories that shaped me was that I'm always late, starting with being 3 weeks late. As such as an adult I'm horrifyingly punctual if not early. I over compensate.

So over the next while I am going to continue with Celeste, and work to take down some of my walls, to trust the world to love me for who I am, to love me within my boundaries, and I'm going to trust my readers to see me.

For real. Holy crap this is scary!

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