Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The fear I face....

I'm terrified of not being ok, every single day.

Part of the journey Celeste has me on is to make myself more vulnerable, less protected. I'm not sure how to do that, other than to write and see what the universe throws at me.

Over the course of my life perfection was what I strived for. What was expected. Failure is what I experienced, in fact I know how to celebrate my failures but struggle to celebrate triumph, as it is rarely good enough. Sometimes I wish I could just celebrate "wooo hoooo I woke up today!"

I've often mused that I don't play well with other kids. Sometimes what seems so simple to me, really isn't so instead of engaging in drama and messiness of conflict, I bow out. Most times fairly gracefully but I still bow out. Usually after getting in at least one parting shot, but I find confrontation terrifying.

I think I'm really afraid of being wrong, what if i went through all that agony and then wasn't right?!?

The thought just horrifies me. So instead I try and walk away. I hope people will do the right thing, and more often than not they sure do NOT do the right thing. So I chalk it up to experience, and hope that the next time I will do better.

At the urging of a good friend I'm reading "The Monk who Sold his Ferrari". I highly recommend it. Not much in it has been new, so much as an affirmation of what I've always known. Think positively, and things will happen for you.

The problem is that my fear takes over and I hear a voice telling me from deep deep down that I don't deserve it. So I fight that thought, that feeling, that dream I know to be true and possible.

In so many ways I don't know how to NOT strive to be perfect. How to fall apart and lean on others. So over the next while I'll be working through this, trying to figure out how to not hear the voices of others that have impacted me for so much of my past.

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