My separation and eventual divorce followed a VERY challenging year that included the loss of trust in my husband through actions that were his and his alone, however I admit that my own actions factored into. Or rather, inaction. When you're NOT being the husband or wife you know you should be, that you need to be, you have a culpability in the issues within your relationship. These choices can destroy or build. In our house they destroyed, very bitterly.
Now, nearly 6 years later and much wiser, I often talk to our kids about the difference between an 'excuse' for an action and an 'explanation' for an action. Explanations help us to understand and be empathetic, however it does not excuse bad behavior. Explanations help us find our way to forgiveness when the other side is contrite and seeks it. Excuses break relationships and trust, excuses are simply an attempt to dismiss unacceptable behavior.
At that time, I had lost one of my dearest friends tragically, along with her fiancee, then a betrayal had been exposed that rocked the foundation of the marriage I thought I had, that was followed by my losing my job, a tumultuous separation, a physical attack and then a long verbal barrage and campaign that still stings today.
It was too much for me, and was--in my world--an unsurvivable series of events that led to the end. In the very end it was both our fault and neither of our faults, but both our reactions, actions and responses were undoable. So we moved forward--sort of.
Or at least I did. I have come to understand that I only have the power to speak for me. So within a week I began counseling weekly, ensured my children were receiving counseling, and read books voraciously on divorce, separation, and not profoundly damaging the kids.
What I didn't do is date. I socialized, I saw people, I enjoyed my life, friends, their friends, and freedom that comes from being unaccountable to another grown up after years of being totally, fully and completely accountable.
What I was still, was accountable to my children. So even when I met someone interesting, they didn't meet the kids. I didn't want them to become attached to someone who I wasn't sure I was attached to. Someone who may have sparked chemistry, but who I didn't really want to share my space with. And when I was pressured to 'meet the kids' the relationship ended. Because feeling pressure was a giant flag for me that things weren't right. We were all still healing.
In the end, there was....is....a man who there weren't flags for. And we did manage to botch pieces of the kids getting to know him, to see me with him, and to figure out how dating and children work. We're only human. It was imperfect.
He's only man my children have ever met and seen me with in the romantic sense and is the man I've been with for the last four years. The man who is for all intents and purposes, their step-father. And a man whom I shall someday marry. The kids know this.
Taking nearly 2 years alone, to figure out who I was and to be mom first was integral for all of us. Take that time. Take it for you. Take it for them. Just make sure you take it.
Test the waters, be carefree, enjoy life for awhile. This is the time when you start to get to know yourself. This is the time that you get to be whoever you want, until you find that happy space and place where you live without the label that someone else has put on you. In it you will find a freedom and confidence that defines you without apology.
And then if you're really lucky, you meet someone who helps you keep racing down that road, who encourages your growth and change.
Be unapologetically you. But take the time to figure out who that person is, get to know them. You'll never regret it, and your children will thank you.
Other good info for those of you navigating these frustrating waters: Huffintong Post: What They Don't Tell You When You're Getting Divorced
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