The Real Lesson Learned

For the last several months I've been embroiled in a legal battle peppered with affidavits, motions, continuances, more affidavits, more motions.

While I know that by the time I face the Judge on Friday, I'll be absolutely prepared, I also know I will be terrified.  Unlike my adversary, I have limited means, and as such I have chosen to self represent. This decision came from a simple and pragmatic place--no longer being able to justify the exorbitant legal fees that court entails.The money that would have paid a lawyer belongs within our family, it belongs to our children. And as their mother I had to make the best decision for them, despite the fact that my inexperience may cost me the case. You see, the reason I'm fearful, is because my opponent is the father of my children. 

The particulars of the case are incidental and irrelevant to everyone but us. What is important is the education I have gained. Not just the preparation involved. My time working on it, learning the case law, learning the court rules and procedures, isn't a quick or easy task. Making choices best for the children has meant also relegating my research and writing time to their school day, when they aren't around to watch me claw my way up the steep learning curve that our legal system is. Or late into the night when they are asleep. 

They haven't witnessed the tears, and frustration that I've had, because they need to be allowed to be kids. This isn't their fight. 

But its not the technical legal education I really value, while there is great merit in that. The true value lies in what this time has taught me about myself. And about allowing myself to need and lean on others, to be vulnerable and strong at the same time. 

It has been is an extreme exercise in letting go of my ego, my pride, and my need to be right and in control. The moments when I've found out that the children have been told to lie to me. Or that they've been told about the pending proceedings, I've learned to paste a smile on my face and hold them close and let them know, that it's ok. Every child needs to know that their mummy and daddy love them. Period. They should never be forced into taking sides or even FEELING like they need to take sides. Or that one parent is better than the other. 

Not so long ago, my parents felt compelled to yet again share with me how amazing a father my ex-husband is. I didn't disagree. When he is focused on the kids and isn't busy picking new fights with me, he's a great dad. What wounded my heart so deeply, so profoundly, is that I have never in my life heard either my mother or my father tell me that I'm a good mom. Not once. They will extol the virtues of a man who hurt me devastatingly, but I've never heard them say that they are proud of me, or that I've done a good job with their grandkids. I'm told these issues are mine, and that I'm stubborn and inflexible. These are not wounds that will heal completely, they do shape who I am to a degree.

Maybe that's true. Or maybe I believe in respect and boundaries, and earning the right to speak into and be a part of my life. Maybe I've learned that never hearing that I'm a good person, or loving, or loyal or a good parent, means that distance is more than necessary, its protective.

The saddest part, is that I don't miss them as I should. In moments like these, facing something so terrifying I do wish I had a sister, or mother or father I could count on to be ON MY SIDE, to be BY MY SIDE--supportive, non judgmental and MY family. I wish in moments when I'm afraid I could run to my dad, and know he would hold me, and protect me. But I can't.

And this is why I've changed my entire life for my kids in the last 2 years. So they will always know they have parents who love them. Who are on their side. Who will fight beside them, and support them, and love them boundlessly, no matter what. Being present and available far outweighs the financial gains that so many career choices could have made.

So out of all of this, I've learned about Family Law, Affidavits, Motions to Strike, Counter Motions, Petitions, legal terms and rules and counter rules.

But the single most important truth that I've learned is that I am a good mom, and no one can take that from me. No one.