The fact that discomfort forces growth in spite of our human desire for constancy and comfort, is vexing to me. I find myself a mess of stress, fear, uncertainty. And then I find myself swinging back and forth upon a pendulum that runs from confidence to self doubt and then back again.
I'm preparing for the fight of my life in the next week, a custody and access Chambers hearing. To say "fight of my life" may sound overly dramatic, but any parent knows, mother or father, when it comes to our babies, even the smallest threat to their comfort, success, thriving, or simply their world merits armor for battle.
The irony is that I have little desire to fight. What I really want for my children is to not feel divided, I want them to feel a balance a mutual flow of permission to love the people who love them in their lives. Period. Though I consciously choose to not lay my fears, frustrations, fights or issues at their feet, I know they feel it. They are perceptive, and intelligent, and they know that Mummy is afraid. I am only human.
Often I find myself conflicted as to what to tell them when they ask me questions. I believe in honesty. I also believe firmly that no child should ever know certain things about their mother or their father. Ever. A little girl (or boy) needs to love and know their daddy (or mommy) as that always. There is no age appropriate to take that relationship from your children. Children need to have permission and the space to be children.
Maybe it was naive of me to believe that even through separation and divorce that effective parenting could still happen without this level of conflict. Maybe it was silly to think my repeated requests to sit down, face to face, at a table and talk about this were possible. Maybe it was foolish to want to do a parenting plan to handle the big stuff, together, on the same page. And that by doing so, the small stuff would either become incidental or much easier to navigate.
I wonder if it is ridiculous of me to want/think that there could be times of quiet and common ground surrounding our children. Where joys and accomplishments are shared, where lines are not drawn. That are simply enjoyed as parents, moments where we can know that despite our mistakes, that we have done all we can for them to thrive and grow.
For today I long for a neat and tidy life, without these conflicts and mess--though I know that really wouldn't be life or living. I long for the forum to say: This isn't battle, these are our children!! More so, I long for those words to be HEARD.
I don't know that court will accomplish this, and my heart grieves for this. Sometimes we are forced to places that bring us great discomfort and all we can do is prepare. It hurts me to know that resources and energy are flowing into something that could be easily avoided were different choices being made.
It is helplessness that is frustrating me, and fear controlling me. It is also faith in knowing fundamentally I'm honoring my own truth and that by doing so I'm teaching our children, as best I can, that doing the right thing isn't the easy road. That standing up for your truth matters and is valuable. That there is a difference between truth and manipulation. That there is a difference between not compromising values and integrity for ego. Maybe out of this others that come after me will have a less tenuous road to travel. Maybe that is enough.
In a aberrant way I feel gratitude for this conflict. It means that these amazing little humans are deeply and profoundly loved. Whatever happens in the coming days and weeks, I know this to be absolute: when you stand up for yourself and those you love, there is no such thing as defeat.
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