We Must Take Sides

I'm often asked about my family. Genealogically, I carry Mennonite, Persian and Indian (India) heritage. My roots however are firmly planted in the legacy of family by choice, men and women who are strong as hell, and who make my life better and much more whole by just being my people.

Our nuclear family is made up of those to whom I've given birth, my four wonderful children, my sweet Spousal Equivalent who chose us so completely and deeply. I marvel at the purity of his character, depth of courage and fierce protection he envelops our family with. Who he is has lead him to be chosen by my ragtag band of humans who are my family. They are ones who have steadfastly stood by me, supported me, encouraged me, and love me. Me.Unconditionally and entirely.

They've taken my side, always and without question. Even if I haven't been right, and needed a good talking off the proverbial ledge, I've never questioned or wondered about the depth of their ties to me. Not once have I ever questioned their loyalty or support. Many of them share my bloodlines, but are still consciously chosen. Everyone of them I am fiercely loyal to and would go to war for. For me, loyalty is uncompromising and rigid, and once it is broken I will never truly trust the breaker again. That is part of who I am.

That's what family is. Which is why I have struggled when being told by people I've loved, called family, and why my relationships have been strained with those both blood related and not, who've chosen the mantra of "yes, dear, but in this situation I need to remain neutral." This has shattered my trust and the trust of my children in people who have proclaimed to love us.

So to you I say this, from a place of love and compassion, what you don't realize is that in ignoring boundaries both spoken and unspoken, you have created a chasm of deeply profound betrayal. Your so called neutrality hasn't actually helped either party but instead create a substantially greater hurt and an ocean of mistrust.

When you disrespect boundaries you don't actually help either party to resolution. Instead you are taking a metaphorical pickax to a rift between people that you have no business being a part of. Continuing to hide behind the position of neutrality only alienates one side while empowering the other. The saddest part is that by choosing this position that seems to you to be magnanimous and altruistic, is your greatest act of betrayal and cowardice. Neutrality compromises the trust that both sides have in you. One will walk away, one will use it to their advantage. This is the way of the world.

It takes courage to stand up and choose to do what you know in your soul is right. It takes guts to dispute a person who wages a character assassination, even more so than one who throws physical punches. The intangible is harder to dispute and words meant to destroy have a way of digging in deeply to the psyche of those to whom the words are spoken, parasitically attaching themselves unshakably.

Just like the conviction we feel when reading words that claw at our spirit exposing truths within us, we have a responsibility to listen to these responses within ourselves. And sometimes forgiveness doesn't mean allowing the betrayer another chance to take a run at you. Sometimes forgiveness is simply moving past that relationship, acknowledging that if it doesn't grow you, or build you up it is time to let it go. If a relationship or person fills you with anxiety and fear, forgiveness won't fix that, your body responses are protective and we are obligated to our humanity to listen to that protective voice within.

It takes character, a ferocious sense of humor and an indomitable spirit to survive in this world. It takes balls to choose sides and fight for that which your soul knows is right.

So every day I wake up, and I give thanks for the family I've chosen. Men and women who had the balls to stand by me and choose me right back.