Friday, June 29, 2012

Slaying Dragons

I can't think of one self-inflicted prison more demoralizing and emotionally destructive than seeking the approval of a person who can't be pleased. It's like throwing yourself off a cliff repeatedly until you're so broken you can't drag yourself to the peak anymore.

- the author of the blog Battle Scars and Exit Wounds

Wow...Imagine finding out you're not alone in the world, in the midst of your turmoil and deepest shame?
That is what finding this blog series has been like for me. Except that I have an amazing immediate family and 'adoptive' family. In the last 3 years I've finally really begun to understand being family, becoming part of one, which began with my extended family-by-choice and is continued with my family in-loves (because in-laws sounds just so damn wrong!). Kyle has been my biggest support and cheerleader, encourager and demonstrator of true, real love looks like. It looks like friendship but with definite WONDERFUL added benefits!!

You see one of the things that I am most ashamed of is that I have no family. I am, for all intents and purposes, an orphan. I try with my father but as he ages it is becoming more and more difficult to have him berate me, or worse, this week he vented to my 16 year old daughter and told her how ashamed of me he is. That isn't fair to her and he should never have done it, but he did. 

We are all on a journey but recently I came to realize something, prior to finding the above mentioned blog. 

As a human being we all have a right to end relationships that hurt us, cause us stress or pain or that hurt our soul. 

So in the next few weeks I'm going to figure out how to have a really hard conversation with each of my parents. My life is in transition and you can't fight winter (though some sort of warning sign would have been helpful). You can only wear warm jackets (love that is truly given), a pair of mittens (those who journey beside me, lifting me up) and not travel in the worst elements (timing IS king). 

(Yeah I kind of LOVE Game of Thrones, it has DRAGONS!) 

I know that the backlash will hurt, but pain and recriminations are worth it to me, to journey through this winter and into a new spring. And soon I'll be able to say....

And the most important part will be that I will know, that not only have I slain a dragon, but also that I've given birth to new, stronger, better, much SMARTER dragons. 

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