Wednesday, June 20, 2012

What I did not have, my Children shall...

Many of you know I've been struggling with forgiveness as of late, and how to move on from being hurt or kicked or even just my perception of such, true or not.

I find my heart longs for different outcomes in many of my past relationships. And this blog has probably been my most vulnerable place to have a voice, as a simple Google search will bring it up for some of the people who will know by the content that it is them I speak of. 

The quote below really struck me, because what I'm struggling with is the ability to 'finish the old business' some things, like family, divorce, or situations where you have no control to confront or fix things, leave you (read: me) feeling somewhat powerless to forgive or even move on. 

"Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible, hurtful behavior. Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimized and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."         Joan Borysenko

I've often times in recent years said to friends, that the thing I will mourn most in this lifetime is never having the unconditional love of my mother. As the years progress, and through much counseling (professionally) I've come to realize and learn that I'll never have that. The cost that it would take for me to maintain a relationship with my mother is too high. It took 4 different professional opinions, more than one who know my mother personally, to help me see this. 

The parameters, the stipulations, the expectations can never be met. The standard never attained. I completely accept this, however, it doesn't reduce the level of hurt by actions and words that are spoken at me. By the lack of love or pride that is given to me. 

In so many ways this relationship has caused me to create many control issues in my life, and even as I grow up at age 40, and learn to let go more and more, I realize that what I can control is the legacy. 

When I look into the eyes of my darling babies, who are growing into wonderful children, I cannot imagine a single thing on this earth they could do that would make me ration my love, or censor it. There is not single human on this planet that could make me choose them over my children, which is what makes my relationship with my mother so hard for me to understand. Despite diagnosis from a medical professional that explains much of it to me, I still don't "get it". And that leaves me hurting every time an action 

So instead, I have resolved to create a legacy of love, laughter, pride and respect for my children. The control I can exert over my life is to show them the unconditional love I long for. I can show them that when someone makes you feel a certain way you still have choices. They will always know that however good, or bad those choices, their mother loves them.

1 comment:

  1. Bravo! When it comes to this kind of pain in relationships, I believe "I am my brother's/sister's keeper." When we write and share from vulnerable places, we help others strip another bar from the jail cell that holds them captive. This blog, my dear, certainly finds a coveted place in my favorites. Do you mind if I add it to my blogroll?